Gifts has always been my primary love language. I really love taking the time to pick up something I’d heard a friend say they wanted or needed weeks back, or going big to show my husband just how much he means to me. It is definitely easy to feel a bit materialistic knowing that gifts make my heart soar, but I really do appreciate the idea that you saw this little thing and it made you think of me, or that you remembered something that I mentioned in passing months ago and surprised me with it for my birthday. I both receive and give love in this way, and I always have. Even when I was little, I put a lot of weight on the gifts I’d buy for others, often spending all of my birthday money buying gifts for the people I loved most.
So, you can imagine how it might be a little frustrating (okay, a lot frustrating) for me that my husband is well-versed in every love language EXCEPT for gifts. Bless his heart, I know he does try. It just doesn’t come naturally for him.
My husband is an acts of service man, all the way. He will come home from a long day at work and if I’ve had my own difficult day with the kids or I’m not feeling great, he’ll say, “go lie down, I’ve got this.” He also tells me often that he loves me, that I’m doing a great job at home with our boys, or he’ll whisper in my son’s ear and say, “tell Mommy how pretty she is.” Clearly words of affirmation come second nature, as well. He cherishes quality time; he wants to put our phones down when we’re on the couch or just driving to see family. And well, he is a man, so physical touch is pretty important to him, too lol.
He’s fluent in every other language, but it takes some extra effort for him to grasp gifting. We’ve talked about it over the years. I know he really wants to get better at loving me in that particular way. And I try to be gracious when maybe his gifts aren’t spot on, but I can tell he genuinely tried. But it’s definitely been a learning process over the last 11 years. (I will take a moment here to pause and just acknowledge that he has actually grown quite a lot in this area over time . . . we started out with gifts being presented at Christmas in the bag they came home in from the store. Now, for Christmas and birthdays he uses actual gift bags, sometimes even including the tissue paper . . . Soon enough I’m sure he’ll progress to wrapping paper and bows. *wink to you, babe*
But here’s what I’m realizing in this moment. Despite what I might perceive as his lack, I find that I’VE actually gained. I said it before – he is fluent in every other language! This means that over the years, I’ve had the opportunity myself to practice loving him in the ways that best speak to HIM, and that really is what love languages are all about, right? Learning to speak to and relate to and love your people better. And he is absolutely my people.
So, where he primarily gives and receives through acts of service, I’ve learned that little gestures in that direction really speak to his heart; bringing in the trash cans or washing the dishes after he’s made breakfast for everyone, anticipating that he needs clean work clothes and getting them washed and ready without him having to ask in a rush (trying my best to, anyway). I try to lighten his load where I can and it allows him to feel seen, respected, and loved. And I wouldn’t want him feeling any other way from me.
And I’ve grown in those other languages, too, thanks to his daily example. I’m far from fluent, but we both have the time to be patient as we learn. There’s grace for the areas where we need to grow and a lot to gain when we focus more on how we’re loving them.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Philippians 2:3-4
Written by: Chelsae Baxley is the Assistant Director of Fathom Family Foundation. She lives in Jacksonville, FL with her husband Josh, and her two boys, Max and Isaac. She has a heart for encouraging others in marriage, mothering, and theology.
