For the last several weeks I have been thinking about, praying about, and AGONIZING about what I wanted to write for this topic. First, I agonized because I am not a writer and questioned why I even agreed to do this! Nonetheless, I was asked to write a blog about blended families and so here goes.

To begin with, let me share a couple of quick notes about me. I wasn’t raised in a blended family. My parents have been happily married for over 40 years. However, I grew up around plenty of kids who were from blended families, but I never gave it any special thought. Divorce and remarriage are so prevalent in our culture today that it’s more surprising to hear about a long-lasting marriage. Yet, in the church, it seems like divorce and blended families are rarely talked about, even though the divorce rate for people in the church is the same as for people outside the church.

The reason I mention this is because up until recently I had not thought about what it takes to be in a blended family. At least not until I found myself married to an amazing woman a mother to two wonderful teenagers. Now I think about it all the time!

One thing I heard growing up in the church was that marriage wasn’t easy because two people needed to learn “how” to be married. I was taught marriage takes adjustments and sacrifice. The point is no one starts great in a marriage, because it takes time and effort for two people to learn to be good at it. So, I thought, “Cool, I get that concept.” I love my wife, and I am not afraid to do the work to make our marriage successful. But here’s the twist. I didn’t just marry my wife – I also married a mother with two teenagers. So, now it wasn’t just learning how to be married, but it was learning how to be married with kids in the mix. I knew it in theory, but not in practice, and I needed to learn how to blend.

So, the day I got married I shared my vows to love and cherish my wife, and I also vowed to love and take care of her kids. Man, I nailed it! I am ready for this marriage thing! Let’s Go! However, it didn’t take long before life got hard. I was ready to love and take care of my new family, but they weren’t necessarily ready. I was an outsider who thought and approached life differently. Our differences lead to many tense situations between my wife and me and my step-kids as well. I wanted to have fun, joke around, and love them while at the same time trying to enforce healthy boundaries. That, as you can imagine, didn’t go over too well. This is the area I have struggled with the most. You see, I was trying to model what I had seen my dad do while he was raising me. And while he is a great example of a father in a nuclear family, the reality is I am a stepdad in a blended family, and I need to learn a different way to relate. This is a new situation for me and them. We are learning to live with one another.

Honestly, if my wife and I didn’t have such a strong relationship with Jesus and didn’t love each other the way we do, I don’t know how long it would last. Thankfully we do! I think about all the people in the Bible and the messy hard times they found themselves in, yet time and time again God met them in it. For instance, take the woman at the well. She was an outcast in her city rejected and shunned, by the Jewish people as well as her people. Yet Jesus went out of his way to meet with her and changed her life.  And that gives me hope.

I have found, that in the middle of our fights or our hard times, when we have stopped and prayed, God shows up. He has given us peace that surpasses understanding.

We are almost 2 years into this process and by no means do we have it figured out, but here are a few things I’ve learned so far:

• First, pray! This might seem like the obvious answer, but this is the most important practice. My wife and I started intentionally praying for our family together, out loud. There is something powerful about connecting with God by using our voices. We also started praying during confrontations or tense moments. When we recognize the discord, we stop to invite God into it.

• Secondly, slow down and listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit when I feel His nudge to show compassion, apologize, or show grace and mercy.

• Lastly, listen to my wife more. Guys, I know we think we have it all figured out and have the best plan, but we aren’t the only ones God has given wisdom and discernment to. Oftentimes, our wives can see things that we don’t, and if we would listen to them, we would be better off for it.
  
  

So, like I said, we don’t have this all figured out, and by no means are we the standard of what a blended family should look like or be, but we are learning. If you are in a blended family in a messy hard time, you are not alone, other people are going through it also but more importantly, Jesus is with you, too. If you are not in a blended family but know someone who is, just pray for them. They could probably use it.

Written by: Justin Riggleman. Justin and his wife, Laura, live in Jacksonville, FL and serve in ministry together. He is the Next Gen Director at Fathom Church.