Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like you are up against a wall? Like there is no way out? Parenting in this digital age is hard. Although we are matched up against something that seems impossible, we are not alone in the fight. We have been tasked to apply discipline and grace in our homes as we raise the next generation to be our leaders. The word dilemma indicates that something is not easy. And this problem is, indeed, not easy. The word dilemma is often used to indicate that you are between a rock and a hard place. We are learning on the fly in a culture with little to no restrictions or concerns for this problem. It seems like all of our friends’ kids have little to no restrictions on their devices and how they interact with them. In this case that would be protecting and preparing our kids. So, what do you want to protect your kids from? What do you feel called to prepare your kids for? This post is going to be loaded with opportunity for reflection.

The word discipline is layered in this definition and context. In one sense, it speaks of the moral obligation and spiritual responsibility a parent has to correct and train their children in life. To correct certain behaviors that are deemed detrimental and to teach new habits that are life-giving. In another sense, it speaks to self-control and the ability for an individual to follow through on certain life goals and responsibilities. In this case, for us to carry out a plan.

Here are some questions to begin asking yourself as we attack this dilemma:

• Do you feel the tension between protecting and preparing your children?
• Is there any tension there at all between the two?
• What makes discipline hard in your home?

We must get a clear vision of what we want for our children. Let’s begin with the end in mind: what God wants for our children and for all people.

Matthew 28:16-20

16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely, I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

All believers are called to be disciple makers. As parents, this includes our own children. Your primary mission field is in your home. As Christian parents, you are called to shepherd and disciple your children “to obey” everything God commands.

a. v.17 Not everyone believed in the risen Lord right in front of them. Jesus didn’t force complete buy-in and didn’t have immediate buy-in from day one. Remember this when your kids are not sold on the idea from day one.

b. v.19 Teaching obedience to God is priority number one. We must underscore and enforce God’s commands/rules/ laws above our own. For example, “In this house we go to church every Sunday” as opposed to “God has given us a family to do life with and God instructs to not forsake gathering together.” Which is more likely to create buy-in with the right communication?

c. Hoping our kids obey and teaching them to obey are two different things. The latter requires time, discipline, and understanding. We can’t take them somewhere we have not gone.

d. Jesus has given us authority and His presence as we do this.

The End in Mind

The end in mind is raising fully devoted followers of Jesus. The end in mind is kids who are spiritually and practically prepared to follow the Lord with their whole hearts. In their career, in their own families one day, with whatever technology is in their lives. The end goal is they have a devoted heart for the Lord. The end in mind is we are living a disciplined and intentional life, especially when it comes to technology. Therefore, we experience greater communion with God and others.

What is the end in mind for you for your home (personally and collectively)?

Digital Discipline Problems

In our home we have found that the more screen time our kids have, the worse their emotional stability is, the more behavior problems we have. The more YouTube, video games they play, TV they watch, the more attitude we get.

What has been your experience in this area?

There have been studies all around the idea of disciplining and how to discipline in this area. Some choose to take all screens away or they are constantly threatening to take privileges away. This is called E-discipline.

Reward screen time for doing good. Punish with losing screen time. For example, “If you do this then you’ll get this. If you don’t then you’ll be punished.” The studies show that there are both positive and negative behavioral consequences. Analysis was performed on 3,141 children aged 7–11 years old. Particularly studying boys and girls separately. “The results showed that children whose parents used screen devices as discipline tools had significantly more screen time compared to children whose parents did not.” Lee Leung states that academically, children who spend a lot of time on screen devices may experience failure in school performance. This study addresses the indirect role of parents in increasing their children’s screen time, and whether a change in parental discipline practices can reduce children’s screen time, which may therefore prevent potential developmental, social, physical, and mental health problems in their children.

There is a significant correlation between parental rules for watching TV and using computers, and adolescent screen time. Absence of screen-related rules, having a TV in the bedroom, and having family meals fewer than four times a week are positively associated with exceeding 2 hours per day of screen time. Less rules = more screen time. 34% of parents use screens as a method to keep their children quiet. Those parents that use e-discipline as a punishment rather than a reward are the majority (75% for boys, 64% in girls). This study showed that a majority (85%) said they had a home policy around technology. Other studies said 50% had a home policy.

• Results
  • No rules = more screen time.
  • Use of e-discipline = more screen time.
  • Complaining about screen time usage also causes increase in screen time. For boys, 48 minutes more screen time when parents complain about it.

Is anything surprising to you or stand out to you in this data?

Let’s take a look at the other side of discipline; the spiritual discipline of self-control.

Addiction means that we have lost control. We no longer have self-control over this area. Why as Christians must we have self-control?

As followers of Jesus we must have self-control so that we can be obedient to Christ. We shouldn’t be mastered by anything, so we can be fully devoted to God.

Christians ought to be the most disciplined and self-controlled people on the planet. Not always the case though. 

Let’s look at some scriptures on self-control/discipline:

• Proverbs 25.28 A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.
• 2 Timothy 1.7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
• 1 Cor. 9.25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
• 1 Cor. 9.27 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I, myself, should be disqualified.
• Gal. 5.22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

As Christians, we must develop self-control/personal discipline when it comes to our usage of technology lest we be disqualified, lest our city get broken into and left without walls because . . . this is for an imperishable wreath.

This discussion brings us many things to think about. Since most parents today did not grow up with such a strong presence of technology in their own homes and childhood, or have to navigate any of this, we are largely learning how to do this as we go. We must be aware of what our kids are consuming in order for us to properly steward the gift we have been given. We must understand the future implications for our children if we do not have these conversations openly in our homes. Focusing on the discipline of self-control and teaching and modeling it for our kids is so important. We have an important job to do. I am so thankful to the Lord for His guidance and wisdom as we navigate these uncharted waters. We are called to trust Him with everything; this includes our children.

Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Written by: Members of the Fathom Family Team, including Kyle Nelson, Laura Riggleman, and Taran Nelson.