We have established that we have a digital problem. (If you didn’t read last week’s blog post, you should go back and check it out!) When there is a problem, we have to figure out a way to deal with it, and as a parent, I know that I have a role to play in this problem. If I am honest, I have been digitally addicted at times, and I can see how our culture feeds this addiction. When it comes to the digital space in our culture, the pressure is MORE, MORE, MORE.  According to the United Brain Association, digital addiction is a harmful dependence on digital media and devices such as smartphones, video games, and computers. Some psychologists suggested that digital addiction be classified similarly to substance abuse disorders. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs wouldn’t even let their children near screens because they knew about the negative impacts. The creator of Pinterest, Ben Silbermann, would not allow his kids to use his own app. Woah! When I see information like that, I am stopped in my tracks. We have to assume responsibility as a role model to ensure that our kids do not fall victim to this addiction. We are not just role models; we have been specifically chosen by God to disciple our kids and show them the way of Jesus.

The role of a Christian parent is to faithfully model for and train their children in loving obedience to God to prepare them for a lifetime of following Jesus.

I was recently listening to a podcast, and they were sharing meanings of words of some of the slang that kids currently say. It was an education, to say the least, because some of these words were CRAZY! I was thinking back to the slang words that were popular when I was a kid, and it is so funny how the words change from generation to generation, but every generation has them. Did you know that the digital addiction world has their own set of slang terms? Let’s learn a couple:

Phubbing: attending to one’s phone in the presence of others.

Have you ever “phubbed”?

Technoference: interruption in parent-child interaction due to increased parental involvement in technology.

Do you constantly check your phone or device when around other people? Around your kids?

These terms are convicting. I am guilty of “phubbing” and “technopherence.” If I know my role as a Christian parent is to faithfully model for and train my kids in obedience to God, then I need to understand that it is important to be aware of what I consume. It’s like the old saying: Garbage in, garbage out. Do you find yourself convicted by the Holy Spirit about what you are watching, looking at, and consuming? What movies, TV shows, TikTok reels, Youtube videos etc. are you filling yourself up with? If we can’t watch something in front of our children, should we be watching it? It is hard to ask your children to stop watching something when we ourselves are consuming equally harmful content.

Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Parents, we can be a hindrance to our children. Our digital behaviors and choices matter. They are looking to us for guidance, and our children will model their digital lives after ours

Matthew 19:13-14, “Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’”

Here are a few statistics to show what kids are noticing about their parents and their digital habits:

• A CSM survey of U.S. parents of 8-18-year-olds shows that adults are spending more than nine hours a day on screen media, 82% of that devoted to personal, non-professional use.
• 89% of interactions with our smartphones are self-initiated. -Dr Maxi Heitmayer
• In a 2016 study, children mentioned their parents as being a model for their digital technology habits . . . “As a result, parents who have problematic digital technology usage may be linked to negative issues with children’s digital technology use” (Konca, 2022).
• 54% of children feel their parents check their devices too often, and 32% feel neglected by the behavior (The New American, 2019).
• “Don’t do what I do, do what I say” mentality; our children are watching our digital behaviors and will assume the same behavior.
• According to Lauricelle and Cingel (2020), children’s media use is associated with their parent’s media use and media attitudes.

This post is not meant to make you feel bad about yourself. It is meant to wake us up and take responsibility as a digital role model. Ignorance about this topic is not bliss. We need to also be aware of the stats that our kids are making when it comes to technology. A McAfee report showed 71% of teens admitted to hiding what they do online from their parents, including clearing browser history, lying about their behavior, and having secret social media accounts. This post is also not to make you fear everythingc, but you should be aware of everything that your kids are interacting with online and assume that everything has the potential to be dangerous or harmful. Sometimes the question isn’t how much screen time they should have, it’s about what they are consuming. An informed parent can protect their children as well as teach and inform. Technology is here so we need to teach our children how to navigate it, but we need to have a healthy relationship with it as well.

They need us to be proactive and not reactive. Knowledge is power and boundaries are for our protection.

We need to be willing to make hard decisions and have hard conversations. What should those conversations look like, you ask? Here are some ideas of what to teach, conversations to have and questions that can get you going. We also recommend the book Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in its Proper Place, by Andy Crouch.

1.         Teach discernment: What is appropriate and what is not . . . and why. Tell our kids why we do what we do, so they know. Do not just say, “Because I said so.” Our kids deserve to know why we want to live differently. The goal is that they learn to guard their hearts and minds to be more like Jesus. Your children are more likely to listen when they are given a reason.

Questions to ask:

• What should they do if they are exposed to harmful or pornographic material?
  • What type of communication is ok?
  • What type of digital media is ok?
  • What are some boundaries you can think of that would help you manage your digital use?
  • Does your child know to come to you when ads pop up or someone talks to them in a gaming chat room?
    

2.         Choosing Character: We develop wisdom and courage together as a family in navigating the use of devices. The family is for forming people and people are special. They are made in the image of God. A family sees our foolishness and forgives; a family is a safe place to make poor decisions and learn from mistakes. We need conviction and character to act and courage to do the hard things. Tech-Wise Family begins a great conversation. What is the place of digital devices in my life? Begin asking yourself and your family members these questions. When we understand our place in the world, we grasp a faithful way to proceed.

Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

If we are not the ones developing courage, wisdom, and discernment in our children, who is? Technology makes everything easy everywhere, but it doesn’t help develop wisdom or courage in people. Technology is only very good if it can help us become the people we were meant to be. Technology is not bad, but it too often distracts and displaces us and moves us away from the better life we can live. We need wisdom and courage to make the hard choices when it comes to technology in our lives.

3.         Structuring Time:  We need to be INTENTIONAL. We are designed for a rhythm of work and rest. God calls us to rest as He did in Exodus 20 – we call it the Sabbath. The Sabbath allows for a true rest from our work. A time for rest, restoration, and worship.

So how do we structure time around technology?

• One hour, one day, one week at a time
  • For one hour every day, turn all devices off
  • For one whole day (Sabbath maybe) turn all devices off
  • For one whole week (vacation time that you need) turn all devices off
  • On a regular day, create a space and time for technology use together as a family and a time for it to go to bed (preferably not beside your bed and way before you go to bed)
    • Pick shows together
    • Do research on trips together
    • Give your devices a bedtime

4.         Shaping the Space:

Andy Crouch says that “the best way to choose character is to make it a part of the furniture.” Where does your family spend the most time? A survey showed 65% of families spend it in a family/living room. Take a mental inventory of that space and what do you see? Fill the center of your home with the things that reward creativity, build relationships, and encourage engagement. What does that mean or look like in your home and family?

In the end, we must be proactive in this area. We cannot be only role models in name. It takes intention, it takes hard conversations, it takes boundaries. We must communicate our expectations and reasons clearly. Our children are worth it. Our homes will be better for it. I suggest you put the devices away and have a family date or plan a game night. I love the idea of having a box to put devices in when you gather with friends and family. You can do this! You aren’t alone!

Extra Questions to Ask:

• Do you know what your children are watching, listening to, or searching for on the internet, what conversations they are having with others?
• Talk to your children about shows they watch, games they play, the music they listen to, and even books they read. Ask questions. Do some Research.

Written by: Members of the Fathom Family Team, including Kyle Nelson, Laura Riggleman, and Taran Nelson.