I was honored and excited when asked to write a blog post for the Fathom Family Foundation, especially on the topic of Pastor Appreciation Month. I have the privilege of sharing what it’s like to be a pastor’s wife and how to honor your pastor. To me, the title of “pastor’s wife” is truly an honor. There are few roles where a husband holds a position and the wife receives a title, with the First Lady of the United States being one notable example. Thus, I feel privileged to serve as a pastor’s wife and to support God’s work in this way.
Before discussing some dos and don’ts for honoring your pastor, let me introduce myself. My name is Brittany Bettis, and my husband, Boyd, has been a pastor throughout our 18 years of marriage. After serving on staff at several churches right out of Bible College and Seminary, we launched a new church in the urban core of Jacksonville, Florida in 2012. At the time, we had three kids aged three and under. Starting a church from our living room during such a busy season was, to say the least, exhausting! By God’s grace the church grew into a vibrant community of believers. I often referred to it as my fourth child and thought we would live in Jacksonville forever. However, God had other plans.
For our 14th anniversary, Boyd and I took a trip to what we thought was a random city in the U.S. We were gifted a free place to stay in Utah and decided to use it to celebrate. While in Salt Lake City, Boyd expressed his desire to return, saying, “I think we will move here one day.” He shared how he felt like Paul in Acts 17:16, whose spirit was provoked by the idols in Athens. Fast forward four years, and we now find ourselves pastoring in Salt Lake City, Utah. The transition has been both hard and holy. We know we are where God has called us, but that doesn’t mean life is without hardships.
Pastoring is a difficult yet glorious job. Many church members may not realize the challenges pastors face. Some believe that pastors only work one day a week, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. As James 3:1 (AMP) states, “Not many [of you] should become teachers [serving in an official teaching capacity], my brothers and sisters, for you know that we [who are teachers] will be judged by a higher standard [because we have assumed greater accountability and more condemnation if we teach incorrectly].”
Here are three dos and one don’t I’ve gathered from years of being married to a pastor and speaking with hundreds of other pastors and their wives. My hope is that this blog encourages church members to love, honor, and support their pastor and his family, ultimately glorifying God and His Church.
Dos and Don’ts of Honoring Your Pastor:
DO: Pray for Your Pastor
You may never fully understand the burdens he carries. Pastors face intense spiritual attacks, and Boyd often shares his deep thoughts and struggles with me. Early in our marriage, I tried to encourage him out of his struggles, but he reminded me that even I could never fully comprehend the weight of pastoring an entire church. That day I realized I will never understand what it is like to hold the privilege and burden of pastoring a church in both hands.
ACTION: Pray for your pastor as he leads the church. Lift up his personal walk with God, his marriage, and his family. Also, let him know how you’re specifically praying for him by sending texts or emails.
DO: Acknowledge the Difficulty of His Job
Acknowledging that you realize his job is hard and that you trust his leadership will be a great encouragement to your pastor. Shh . . . I’m going to tell you a secret about your pastor . . . more than likely, he has wanted to quit. I know there are some exceptions to this, but every pastor I have talked to about this has at least one “I’m ready to quit story,” often many more than just one. Your pastor may actually be feeling like this right now. Many pastors have considered quitting at some point. Leadership can be lonely, and pastors often bear burdens they can’t share with friends or congregants. Simply acknowledging this can provide significant encouragement.
ACTION: Recognize the challenges he faces and ask him what he needs.
DO: Encourage Him
Take him and his family out for lunch or dinner to express your appreciation. Small gestures mean a lot. Nothing has meant more to my family over the years than individuals or families who have done this for us. If you have a vacation home or condo, consider offering it to them for a getaway. There have been times in our ministry where we feel the need to just get away as a couple or family to reconnect, recharge, or unplug but didn’t have the means. The couple of times places have been gifted to us have been some of the biggest blessings for our marriage and our family. It’s one thing to tell your pastor you love him and that you are thankful for him. But when this is backed up with real, tangible acts, it has meant all the more and doesn’t just feel like lip service.
Encouragement can also include giving him permission to pursue his hobbies. Boyd loves hunting because it provides a sense of accomplishment and a break from the never-ending demands of ministry. When he feels supported in his passions, he thrives in his role.
ACTION: Think of ways you can serve and encourage your pastor and his family, whether through meals, vacations, or supporting his interests.
DON’T: Hold His Children to a Higher Standard
Pastors’ kids are just kids. They make bad decisions, have temper tantrums, and disobey their parents . . . just like your kids do. They face the same struggles as other children and often feel the pressure of living in a “glass house.” Often times pastors’ kids feel like everyone around them knows them, their business, and their parents, while they feel like strangers in their own church. You wouldn’t expect a teacher’s child to make straight As, or a doctor’s child to be the picture of health. In the same way, don’t hold your pastor’s children to a higher standard just because of their parent’s job. Instead of holding them to a higher standard, offer them grace and support.
Having said this, they inevitably will still feel the pressure of living in a “glass house.” If they are older, verbally acknowledge to them that their role as a pastor’s kid is hard. Then love them unconditionally.
ACTION: Find ways to love on your pastor’s kids. Take them out for ice cream or share a hobby with them. Be intentional as another godly influence in their lives.
Conclusion
Honoring your pastor is a meaningful way to show your appreciation for their hard work and dedication. Through prayer, encouragement, and understanding, you can support not only your pastor but also his family, allowing them to thrive in their calling.
Written by: Brittany Bettis. Brittany lives in Salt Lake City, UT and serves in ministry with her husband and children.
