Greetings fellow relationship warriors!
To those of you new to the marriage tribe who are engulfed in the “blissful glow” of the honeymoon phase… welcome. To those more seasoned veterans who have settled into the “now qualified to give the advice” stage… welcome back. And to those who may be in that “digging in my heels- help me Lord- this is a lot of work” time… hang in there, we’ve got you covered. Today is a simple reminder maybe for some, and for others the answer to the question you may have been asking yourself recently…
No, they don’t know.
No, he doesn’t know all you do in a day; all the tiny details that you take care of without even blinking an eye. No, she does not know all the ways you plan and save for the future, nor the thoughts and stresses running through your mind at the end of a busy day. No, he does not know the ways that you feel overlooked or lonely. No, she does not know the many times you’ve felt left out or terribly sad at having had to miss an event. No, he does not know that when you ask him to take out the trash you mean immediately. No, she does not know that you taking a shower with a wink is an invitation to join you. No, he does not know how often you question yourself. No, she does not know how often you question your self. Stop assuming they know. I don’t know how it is in your marriage, but my husband is not a mind reader. Sometimes I’m incredibly thankful for this fact. Other times, not so much. But without proper, effective, communication it is impossibly unrealistic to impose your expectations on your spouse. Whether it is something as little as taking out the trash, or something as important as your financial planning, it ALL must be hashed out.
Sound exhausting? Yep. Welcome to marriage. Is it worth it? A hundred times over. The art of communication is something you will be learning for the length of your relationship. After 17 years of my own marriage, there are still times we have to sit each other down and start from square one. The good, not so FANTASTIC news, is that it gets easier, more effective, and less frequent when you do it right. Remember you are on the same team and both working towards the healthiest relationship possible. This topic of communication in marriage is a very lengthy and deep one, so do some research. Get outside help. It is a vital component and there are no shortcuts. For the time being, start with these tips:
First of all, be able to identify your own needs. (What is it that I actual want you to know, and why.) Be open to sharing and being vulnerable with your spouse. (Remember your spouse is your partner and needs/wants to know you and all your needs.) Then, when you speak with them:
Speak life.
Speak love.
Speak with respect.
Ask for the things you need with all three of those prerequisites in mind and listen with an open heart.
As your relationship grows and matures, your needs will as well. One of the most ridiculous mantras out there is the “I won’t let anybody change me” bad-girlfriend topics that contain even worse advice. Of course you change, everybody changes all the time! Are you the same person you were back in high school? (If you answered ‘yes’ to that then we may have identified the problem.) What you need as a newlywed will not be the same as what you need as a new parent, or during a job change, or working through a serious illness in the family, or as empty-nesters. If what your spouse needs now is not what it was 5 years ago, GROW!
Do things differently. Check in with them. Having the proper tool of effective communication will help your relationship navigate those waters of change. Imagine how frustrating it would be to be stuck on a boat in the middle of a storm, and the only other person there doesn’t speak English. You’re both frantically trying to give instruction to keep you from sinking, but there’s a barrier of miscommunication that’s causing some serious frustration, feelings of helplessness, panic, and desperation. You’re both running around yelling at each other, but nothing is accomplished. So do yourself a favor; learn the language of your spouse, stop long enough to really listen, and for goodness sake- throw each other a life jacket!
– Article by Kristin Kusic, Jacksonville, Florida
