“If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from above. You are to place yours on yourself before trying to help others.” We hear this before every flight as the pilot prepares the plane for takeoff.  I remember the first time I flew with my children and really thought about taking care of myself first. Uuuugggghhhhh . . . that idea was not sitting well with me at all. “How selfish of me,” I thought. Because I have a very active and vivid imagination, I could see my children gasping for air while I was breathing it in with ease. Their little eyes looking up at me in fear wondering why mom didn’t help them first.

Then, thankfully, came the explanations. The most immediate is that you only have about 30 seconds (before symptoms of low oxygen set in) to get your mask on and the mask of those needing help. If I were to help them first, my air could run out, and then I would be leaving my children to care for me. So, they would not only be scared, they would be alone.

As we step into the month of October, we see that many churches celebrate the Lead Pastors.  We thank them for the sacrifices they make for us as a congregation. We give gifts and offerings to the family. We set aside a day to show them how special they are and how much we appreciate them. I love being close with my pastor and his family. Our children have grown up together. And our roles in ministry have grown and intermingled for several projects over the years. I believe the church as a whole is amazing at showing love and appreciation to our Lead Pastors and their families.

I am not certain, however, that we afford the same to our support pastors and staff.

As a former support staff member, I have intimate knowledge of the behind the scenes for not only our Lead Pastor, but that of the Kid’s, Youth, Young Adults, Worship, Discipleship, Media, and Campus Pastors. As well as the Administrative Assistant, the Financial Officer, and the support staff for some of these positions. It really does take a team to make a church run smoothly. Pastors and staff members invest their lives in the service of others. Oftentimes, neglecting or being expected to neglect the oxygen mask rule. 

I was a staff member for about four years, but I was a member of the same congregation for well over forty before taking that position. I am more than a little embarrassed to say that I did not really respect the boundaries of those that served me. I am not even sure I knew where they were. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure anyone knows where they are. Striking a balance can be quite difficult for everyone involved. After talking to other current and former support pastors and staff members I have discovered how important it is to “put your own mask on first.”

My pastor said many years ago that we should put God first, then our family, and ministry comes in third. Unfortunately, we as congregants believe that to be so, until it involves our leaders.  There is an expectation of those in a ministry profession to be “on the clock” constantly. Now, while that is true to an extent – such as emergencies, natural disasters, special events, and etc. – this should never be the consistent mindset.  

I remember once being at a church event quite late into the evening and a member telling me that I was at least getting paid to be there. I was not at all humored by the remark and gently reminded her that my office hours had long passed and that in reality this was my day off. Please do not misunderstand me, I was quite happy to be there, but I was at this point volunteering my time just as everyone else there was.  

Ministry requires flexibility and the only people that know that better than those in fulltime ministry, is their family. Our families make sacrifices that most would never even think about. It is not because as congregants we are uncaring; it is because we are unknowing. Think of it like this: you are sitting down for a meal with your family. Your child or grandchild is spilling out the happenings of the day, and the phone rings. It’s a customer or client wanting to double check their order, paperwork, or some other information. You are torn because you feel a responsibility to this person and do not want them to be upset with you; however, you are having dinner with your family and do not want to take time away from them. You decide to answer the call. Unknowingly, they have taken you away from a special moment with your family. This scenario in some form or another is played out in the homes of pastors every day.  

There is a constant pull between family and church. A responsibility to serve in both places to the best of your ability. We find, however, that we can’t do either without hurting or offending someone. Our families are quite honestly the ones that end up on the losing end. Once we realize that boundaries need to be set, we have already set a standard. I believe it is time to tear apart the standard and build back boundaries. But how do we do that effectively? I have a few suggestions.

First, let’s give a bit of grace to our pastors, support pastors and staff.  Utilize the office hours.  Make calls and appointments during those times. Your leaders understand that sometimes this is impossible, but as a general rule, it is an attainable goal. Consider how precious your family, private, and personal time is and apply that to your church leaders. They are, after all, people that treasure their family time as much as you do.

Second, understand that sometimes the answer has to be “not right now,” or heaven forbid, “no.” All staff members of every church I am connected with want what is best for the congregation they serve. They pray, talk, pray, discuss, and pray some more over every decision or change that comes about. We as church members may not agree or even like every decision, but – let’s be real – there will never be complete agreement on anything. We must believe and have faith that whatever is being done or changed is what God has intended because He certainly knows better than we do.

Third, walk a mile. Put yourself in the place of the staff member or pastor and ask God to show you their heart. You will find that the majority of their time is spent agonizing over where they need to be. Saying yes to work at an event often means saying no to something with their family.  

Recently, we have had a particularly terrible storm ravage our area. All of our staff was affected personally by this storm, as was the majority (if not the entire) congregation. Our staff and pastors rallied together with other volunteers to cook and distribute food on multiple campuses for multiple days. (Side note: I am so proud of our church and their service in the community.)  These leaders left the needs of their homes and families to serve others. They should absolutely be in service to others in times of need, as should we all. Imagine though, members of your family are homeless due to damage to their homes or have no access to water or food because of trees blocking their passage. How gut wrenching is choosing what area to serve? While this is an isolated circumstance, the turmoil felt is a familiar one for our leaders. “The church needs me here, but my son, daughter, wife, husband, etc., need my time as well”.  Appreciating this dilemma will speak volumes to those leading you.

Finally, allow them to put the mask on themselves before placing it on you. In other words, allow them the time and space to put their family ahead of their ministry. A long-time effect of oxygen degradation is a lack of mental awareness. When we do not give our pastors and staff the freedom to take care of themselves and their families, we stunt their mental, physical, and spiritual health.

            1 Timothy 5:8 But those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers.

A lack of self-care can cause burnout, stress, fatigue, health problems, and even a pulling away from fulltime ministry. It is vital to take care of themselves and their personal families so they can continue to care for others as well as the church family. It is as much our responsibility to support them in this as it is their responsibility to support us.

I encourage you to make small concessions in the way you interact with your church staff.  Give them grace, understand their motives, walk a mile, and let them “mask up.”  The health of the church is contingent on the health of the pastors and staff. Help them tear down the standard, and support them as they rebuild healthy boundaries. Remind them when necessary to “place their mask on before assisting others.” In the long run we will all benefit from their extra flow of oxygen.

Written by: Betty Ann NeSmith. Betty Ann lives in Boston, GA with her husband, Payton.