Eyes glazed over, I could tell we weren’t speaking his language. He was a pilot for Pete’s sake. How could he not understand what was being said?
We own an RV that we occasionally rent out. Each time we go through a thorough list of things the renter needs to know. Mostly basic how-to stuff and where things are, but a few things are really important to follow.
Let’s call him Ray, an older gentleman who looked a lot like he was part of the Duck Dynasty clan. He flew his plane in to be part of a local airshow event. He was dry camping, meaning no hookups for utilities like electricity and water, so we have a generator to provide power for that.
My husband explained about the generator and what type of gas it needed and how to start it. It’s really pretty simple. We explained it will run for several hours before running out of gas, but he will need to refill it and suggested a gas station close by to refill.
He kind of stared out and acknowledged, but you could tell the light was not turning on for him. Honestly, he didn’t seem very interested in hearing what we had to say, but we did the best we could and crossed our fingers.
The next morning, I get a text at 6:30 saying the generator isn’t working, there’s no power, and what to do?
Deep breath. Haha.
We’ve all been there.
Obviously, we weren’t speaking his language even though we tried. We may as well have been speaking Greek.
What is a Love Language?
Communication is at the core of who we are and everything we do. Whether it’s verbal or nonverbal, it must be spoken in the right language. That’s why knowing love languages is so very important . . . ours and theirs. Even more so in our family dynamic, it’s imperative that we know their love language and communicate in a way they understand. Otherwise, it’s like speaking English to someone in another country who’s never heard it. It falls on deaf ears, and eyes glaze over.
A love language allows us to communicate in a way that aligns with how one person understands, one’s preferences, desires, motivations, etc. It’s about honoring how the person wants to be appreciated.
You’re probably familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages. He’s written several follow-up versions more specific to singles, marriages, teens, kids, and etc.
He says, “Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.
“That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction — the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the in-love experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.”
There are five basic love languages that we all fall into. Maybe you have more than one that speaks to you.
The 5 Love Languages
1. Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation is probably the greatest and most impactful of all the languages in my humble opinion.
- You did an excellent job planning our event.
- Your kindness to that stranger was so inspiring.
- You have a way of communicating that makes people stop and listen.
- Thank you for going out of your way to help fix my car.
- You have a natural talent and eye for decorating.
- Thank you for preparing my favorite meal tonight.
Who doesn’t love it when someone recognizes and acknowledges your kindness or a deed you did or a wonderful characteristic? It can literally change the way you feel about someone in an instant and encourage you at the same time.
Depending on which research you follow, it takes three to five positive comments to offset one negative. Usually, we are quicker to give negative responses which means we have to be very intentional to communicate the positive, particularly in our children and spouses.
2. Acts of Service
How can you come alongside? In what ways can you lighten the load of another or take a chore off their plate?
Find someone who is overwhelmed with life, and you will find someone who needs acts of service.
Jesus is our ultimate example of this as He said He came to serve, not to be served.
My husband is my constant reminder of this. He is so sensitive to hearing when I even speak a need in my life or desire. This isn’t working and needs to be fixed or my day tomorrow is crazy. He will adjust his needs to accommodate mine, which can make me feel guilty sometimes, but it shows genuine love and care for the other person.
An act of service requires denying myself to help someone else.
3. Physical Touch
This language can sometimes include extremes ranging from one end to the other. You either love physical touch or not so much. Then there are those of us who fall somewhere in between.
It’s easy to spot the ones who do love touch, because they will give you a friendly slap on the back or greet you with a firm hug. They use non-verbal ways to communicate and emphasize love.
Your spouse or child may regularly want to hold your hand or reach out and touch your arm. If your child likes to climb up in your lap and snuggle, that’s a definite physical touch love language.
4. Quality Time
While quality time may not be someone’s top love language, it’s always important that we spend quality time with those in our family and close circle.
This is uninterrupted focused time, special moments, walks, watching the sunset, weekend getaways, or trips to see family members and special friends. One-on-one time is even better.
It needn’t be an elaborate and costly trip. To me, it’s always the small things that mean the most. Time is our most precious commodity and when someone sacrifices their time for us, it’s more valuable than money.
5. Gifts
Any gift-givers or gift-receiving lovers out there?
As Dr. Chapman wrote, “A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, ‘Look, he was thinking of me’ or ‘She remembered me.’ You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought.”
This.
You thought of me.
Not only did you think of me, but you took time out of your schedule, and then know me well enough to buy a sweet gift I would like. That is triple love in action.
Ways to Interact Using Love Languages
- Marriage
Well, if you’re married, you probably know by now, husbands love a special kind of physical touch, lol.
And we women do too, just in a different kind of way.
When we married, we didn’t know about love languages, so we both were clueless about speaking the other’s language. Just being aware and willing to learn and grow is half the battle right there.
Marriage says we truly love someone, we want to please that person, and are willing to put in the time and effort to learn about him/her. This is a love language in and of itself, I believe. It’s mine anyway. J
We study and learn programs for work, or we follow our favorite hobbies or teams and learn so much about it. Why would we not want to do the same for the person we choose to spend the rest of our lives with?
Create a “cheat sheet” in your phone about your spouse, or anyone for that matter. Keep it private and hidden. Write down those things that pop up and make them come alive in the ordinary course of life, or the commercial on TV that really gets their attention. Maybe it’s the garden she’s wanted for years or his favorite team he’s never gotten to see play in person.
It’s usually the simple things, though, like going to the park for a picnic on a spring day or a coffee date in the middle of the afternoon. Quality time is vital in any relationship, especially our marriage.
- Children
Studies have shown the simple act of physical touch between a parent and child has enormous health benefits. Not only does it make the relationship stronger, but it also helps you relax, builds trust, and makes you feel more love, acceptance, and safety.
One night we were spending the night in a hotel and got to bed late, and one of my grandsons could not go to sleep. About midnight, I heard him begin to softly cry. It had been a long and very big day of celebration as my son (his uncle) had gotten married.
I got up and went over and asked what was wrong, and in the middle of his tears, he said he couldn’t go to sleep. My heart just broke for him and his tired body and mind.
I crawled into bed and snuggled up behind him and put my arm around him. First, I had him do a few breathing and muscle tightening exercises. Then I simply held him and gently rubbed his back off and on. In about 15 minutes he was sleeping soundly.
It was such a sweet moment that I will never forget, and I hope he doesn’t either. The next morning, he just said, “Thank you for last night, Nana.”
The simple act of giving our children and grandchildren a hug, holding their hands, and wrapping your arms around them is worth more than any expensive gifts we can give them.
- Parents/Family Members
For whatever reason, growing up we see our parents as invincible, or at least I did. The thought of parents having the same needs we did never crossed my mind. Even as a young adult, I thought they had it all together and didn’t have feelings or really need me.
Nothing could be further from the truth. While family dynamics can vary greatly, at the heart of it, parents still need and want their children’s time. Siblings still need quality time, a word or affirmation, and each other’s touch, even if they don’t realize it. Extended family members need family gatherings and acts of service to help with a home project. This builds bonding.
- Friendships
When you give a gift to your friend, it says, “Hey, I thought of you,” or “This made me think of you.” This is a great way to show love to friends.
I am not a “let’s talk every day” kind of person. Honestly, my very best friend and I may not talk for weeks, but we send memes to each other or plan dinner or a trip that we look forward to or can just hang out. She’s made me homemade chocolate chip cookies many times or picked up our favorite lemon cupcakes.
Communication comes in all shapes and sizes and forms. Each and every interaction is a way of saying, “I love you, and I care about you.”
- Workplace
Workplaces should be done with wisdom and caution so as not to do something considered inappropriate – even if not intended – especially physical touch.
An act of service is always appropriate. Something as simple as walking a package to his/her office that was delivered for them or papers from the printer waiting to be picked up. Words of affirmation in an email, sticky note or a card left on the desk saying, “Thanks for getting that project done in a timely and efficient way,” or “I never thought of doing it that way; you make a great point.”
Wrap It Up
Love languages can change as we change, so if it’s been a while since you checked yours, why not take a moment and find out what yours is now. Then share with your spouse and family and plan a time to talk about it with one another.
Check out Gary Chapman’s books on the five love languages:
The 5 Love Languages of Children
The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers
The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition
Written by: Peggy Nelson. Peggy lives with her husband, Mike, in Plant City, FL.
