Early in my marriage, I searched for books, programs, and advice to help me understand how to build a lasting relationship. Knowing that half the families around me were living with divorce was a great motivator to seek ways to strengthen my marriage. I was a workaholic and perfectionist, often making me feel disconnected from my family. I feared being driven to situations that would entice me to look outside my marriage for human connection when I needed it.
In 2016, I decided to start homeschooling my kids, meaning I was now home all day with my three young children as I was no longer at the office all day or evening. Instead, I would be with my kids 24/7, and my husband whenever he got off work. At the time, he was working shift work, so there were days I would only see him sleeping.
I thought being physically present for longer periods of time would allow me to connect with them, which would solve everything, right?
Developing The Language Of Love
What is love?
Growing up, love meant that there was food on my plate and a roof over my head. Sometimes, I did a few fun things with my family whenever we found time together. And I also believed love meant that my parents protected me and my sister from bad people. They worked often and were mostly absent during much of my childhood. I then felt my duty as the older sister was to protect my younger sister while my parents weren’t around.
We didn’t have extended family who would take us under their wing and model what healthy relationships should be like. Most of what I witnessed between married couples within my family was not something I wanted to carry into my marriage, such as anger, frustration, and resentment. I witnessed a lot of fighting and yelling over situations I did not understand as a child.
As far as I knew, love meant that your parents provided for your basic needs. And love meant that you protected your family from immediate harm. Unfortunately, some of that harm came from people we were told to trust within our family and the church. As a result, I chose to avoid exploring and developing new relationships beyond superficial friendships for as long as I could. So, how did I ever learn to know and love Jesus?
Innately, I felt there was more to life than just surviving. I saw glimpses of what life could be like in a loving home with healthy communication. I was drawn to spending time with friends who seemed to have it with their family. I created romanticized relationships in my head and fantasized about my future family.
The first five years of a child’s life are meant to learn and develop language skills. If this milestone is missed, children often cannot speak their native language fluently. I feel that missing out on experiencing love also leads to poor comprehension of complex relationships and distortions of the expression of love.
I could see what love was capable of, but I couldn’t speak the language to communicate that I wanted to love and be loved outside of having my basic needs met. I was looking for the Rosetta Stone of love languages; it would be years before I finally found it.
Love Language Basics
Coincidently, I was also advised to read Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts around the time I decided to homeschool. In a nutshell, I understood the book as a relationship tool for married couples to identify each partner’s love language. Everyone has a primary love language or a primary method of expressing and receiving love. According to Chapman, there are five primary love languages:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
To love effectively, I needed to understand my partner’s primary love language and provide him with what he needed to feel loved. At the same time, he should recognize my primary love language and express himself so that I can acknowledge that he loves me in the way I want to receive it. (I feel this method is limited and incomplete, which I’ll explain later.)
This idea seemed both novel and simple enough for me to understand. When teaching kids a new language, you might start by teaching them the alphabet, matching a few common words with images, and repeating simple rhymes and songs. I was given a tool that taught me the grammar of love, from which I only really needed to understand two primary love languages!
Children who live in isolation and have language deprivation their whole lives can learn and develop language skills. Often, they can comprehend instructions given to them, but their ability to express themselves fluently is poor. Some can follow instructions and complete complicated tasks, but their vocabulary and performance can be compared to a toddler’s.
Could I really expect to live a life of love if my comprehension of love remains that of a child? Matthew 18:4 says to be like little children to enter the kingdom of Heaven. I believe the most basic and foundational understanding of love springs from complete trust. Children completely trust that their parents will take care of them. Thus, they feel familial love, or from the Greek term, storge love.
How do I express love to my husband? Definitely not like how I love my parents or my kids. Husbands and wives must be completely devoted to each other, affectionate, unconditional, selfless, long-lasting, and passionate. Passion can lead to eros love, or erotic love, which invites you to be in union with your spouse, often expressed as physical contact to satisfy arousal.
The love between a husband and wife calls for more than a basic solution in an easy read. Learning the language of love requires more than a novel tool or simple formula.
Beyond the Grammar of Love Language
I enjoyed reading Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages. It gave me the basic grammar of love and allowed for a great conversation starter with my husband. It was so good, I also ordered Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages of Children.
While I started my homeschool journey, I met many good families that guided me to know God. In 2017, I publicly professed my following of Jesus and dedicated my life to Him. And I started attending church regularly, encouraging my family to join me. You might think that at this point, the rest of my life would have just gotten better. In fact, by the end of 2019, I was preparing to end my marriage and take the kids away with me.
There were key elements that I was still missing in order to comprehend fully what love is capable of. I was still a struggling toddler in the ways of communicating love in an environment filled with lost identities, alcoholism, financial struggle, and differing priorities.
What was I missing that could heal my marriage?
Stringing letters together to make words and stringing words together to make sentences is one way to learn a new language, but language experts suggest immersion as a superior way of learning a language. Immersing yourself with native people, their culture, and their way of life is the best way to naturally pick up a new language. When you spend time focusing and memorizing the theory behind language, you lose the nuances of developing language as a part of your identity.
I was trying to speak the language of love by translating it with books when I should be loving real people, making mistakes, and being corrected. I needed to learn from the locals!
I believe God spoke to me through the Holy Spirit the entire time. In my vulnerable state, I was open to and was searching for a solution. Circumstances led me to key Christians in my life who spoke life into me and my family.
If you recall the scene in The Miracle Work when Anne took Helen to the water pump outside her house, W-A-T-E-R had a whole new meaning! People were writing L-O-V-E into my hand, but I still felt as if I was in the dark.
Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” John 8:12.
Following Jesus made sense when I fully immersed myself in His teachings and experienced the love He commanded us to express and receive. His light allowed me to see my path. The church and its people were where I could take the alphabet of love and experience love in action. Love finally had a meaning!
What was I missing that could heal my marriage? Not a love that can satisfy a single need. But a love that illuminates and accepts all things hidden in the crevices of our hearts.
Developing Fluency in The Language Of Love
My marriage is imperfect because I am still a sinner. And because I am a sinner, I am still continuously seeking God’s help as I try to effectively communicate with my husband. I believe most marriage problems arise when a message is lost in translation.
If both partners believe in the power of prayer, God will already know the desires of your hearts and can translate and send that message through the Holy Spirit. Before you speak and act on what you think you know, slow down and take a moment to listen.
“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” John 16:13.
My husband turned his life around at a pivotal moment in our relationship. When he hit rock bottom, which is where God’s power is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9), he decided that he needed to change or he would lose everything he held dear. Today, we are still married, still making mistakes, but love continues to be our guiding light.
So, don’t rely on a singular love language interpreted and spoken by someone who may only know love at a basic level. It’s like living off a a single essential nutrient. Using food as an analogy allowed me to understand what I was missing in my marriage. We cannot survive on a single essential nutrient. Instead, we must be given a balanced diet of all essential nutrients for health and longevity. You might have heard the phrase, “You are what you eat.”
“Love is not akin to a language one needs to learn to speak but can be more appropriately understood as a balanced diet in which people need a full range of essential nutrients to cultivate lasting love.” (Impett, Park, & Muise)
Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” John 6:35.
Speaking love may not always be enough as love cannot be broken down, simplified, codified, and applied without losing parts of it in translation. Love is all the qualities listed in the Bible that must be experienced, consumed, and digested to make it a part of your identity.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
Start with praying and connecting with God. Learn to listen to what He has to say. Then, immerse yourself in communities where love is abundant and people can model love for you.
Finally, seek wise counsel from people you trust, as well as accredited professionals and certified counselors when needed. When love takes action, the language of love becomes universal.
Written by: Charlotte Singletary. Charlotte lives in Jacksonville, FL with her husband and three kids.
