I’ve heard it said that when you write, you should write about what you know. The problem is, I’m starting to realize that the more I know, the less I know. The more I learn, the more I recognize the need to learn. The more I grow, the more I see the need to grow. However, after 40 years of church work, ministry, and just life, here are some things that I have in fact come to know.
I know that relationships are hard. I know that people are flawed. I know that forgiveness is often difficult. I know that restoration doesn’t always happen. I know my way is not always God’s way; my plan is not always His plan; my heart can be selfish; and my thoughts can be sinful. I also know that knowing these things still doesn’t keep me on the straight and narrow!
So, as one who has forgiven, and been forgiven, much, I write this to the abandoned, the abused, the betrayed, the broken, the hurting, the walking wounded . . . to us.
What do we do? What do we do when the relationship breaks, when abuse is inflicted, when the betrayal is complete. What do we do when we never get the apology we’ve craved, or when the justice we are owed isn’t satisfied?
Do we ignore it – try to forget about it? Do we cover it in glossy spiritual words and hope that eventually the sting fades away? Do we carry it around as an identifier, some badge of honor to wear that reads “victim” in an attempt to use it as a crutch that elicits sympathy and special treatment? Do we erect walls of bitterness and resentment in an effort to never let it happen again? How do we move forward in grace, in forgiveness, in wholeness?
My grandfather was not a scholar, he didn’t have any advanced degrees; he wasn’t on any boards or even the most talented speaker, but when faced with a challenging question, he had the greatest and wisest answer that I’ve ever heard or been taught. “Well let’s look and see what the Bible has to say about that.” So, what does the Bible say? Of all the scripture verses I could pull from that talk about forgiveness, I think we need look no further than to Jesus himself.
In Luke chapter 23, Jesus provides the ultimate example of forgiveness when on the cross. He prays, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” To the ones who had lied, betrayed, beaten, abused, mocked, abandoned, and were killing him, Jesus offers one final lesson and from the cross cries out, “forgive them.” In this act, there are some powerful truths we can see concerning the application of forgiveness in our lives.
First, forgiveness requires surrender. Surrender of the hurt, pain, offense . . . we relinquish our ownership of it all and bring it to the Lord saying, “I give this up. You know best; do with it what you will. You are Lord, even of this.”
Second, forgiveness requires trust – trust that not only will the Lord take care of the hurt, but also that in place of the hurt He is capable of bringing healing and filling the void left where that hurt previously took up residence. We have to trust that He will make a way through this.
Third, forgiveness requires humility. Ultimately, whatever the offense, the hurt, the grievance, and no matter how large or small, it all boils down to one thing: sin. The truth is all of us are in need of forgiveness. Romans 5:8 reminds us that, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” We learn in Romans 3:23 that, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” It is not easy to remember how much you’ve been forgiven.
There have been times in my life when, in an attempt to justify my unforgiveness, I have thought how undeserving the other person was, but the truth is, so am I. In humility we remember how Jesus taught the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18. We who have been forgiven so much should remember this as we offer forgiveness to those around us.
Finally, I would point out that when we think of “forgiveness” we often equate it with “forgetting.” There is an implied immediacy attached to the term. What we fail to recognize is that forgiveness is a process – a process which is more about the offended than the offender. This is why it is possible to forgive someone without receiving an apology.
Giving up the right to be offended or hurt, surrendering it to the Lord, trusting in Him, and walking humbly takes time to learn and apply. It’s a daily decision of the will over feelings. But what about the relationship? Does forgiveness look the same as restoration? In short, no. Forgiveness is commanded; it is more about us and our relationship with the Lord than about the other person.
Forgiveness is a process, and it is possible based solely on our obedience to God and not on the actions of another. Restoration, on the other hand, takes more than one party. To put it simply, restoration requires repentance. When we repent, we acknowledge our sin, we turn from it, we seek forgiveness, and we walk God’s way. Restoration in a relationship, any relationship, requires the actions of repentance. Only with repentance can wholeness blossom out of brokenness.
With those same words in Luke 23, not only did Jesus give us an example of forgiveness to follow, but He also unlocked the door to restoration between fallen man and holy God. His surrender, His trust in the will of the Father, His humility, and His sacrifice made it possible for us to come in repentance and be wholly restored to a right relationship with Him.
The same process is required in our relationships with one another. It is possible to forgive and not see the relationship restored, just as there are those who ignore the forgiveness of Jesus and never come to a restored relationship with Him through repentance. However, repentance makes restoration possible, no matter how shattered the relationship may be!
There is one final note I would write concerning this, and I write this as a living testimony. When a relationship is brought before the Lord – broken, even shattered – and placed at His feet in absolute submission and repentance, there is no limit to the miracle that God is able to perform! A restored relationship may not look like it did before – in fact, it won’t. But much like a shattered pane of colored glass or the broken pieces of smashed pottery can be fashioned into a magnificent mosaic, a relationship that is brought back together in true repentance and forgiveness, when placed in the hands of the Master Creator, can bring forth the most beautiful and glorifying work of art one has ever seen.
Written by: Kristin Kusic. Kristin is a pastor’s wife, musician, writer, and mother to three, living in Jacksonville, FL.
