I can think all the way back to when I was a child when I did something to hurt or offend someone and I was asked to say, “Sorry.” This was typically followed by them casually responding with, “It’s ok” or, “I forgive you.” I also remember times when something was done or said that was really hurtful to me and I tried to pass it off as “no big deal” or tried to forget about it or even pretend it never happened.
Now that I am a mom, I have found myself multiple times asking my child to be the one to say, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you.” This action is simply a nicety – something to make us feel better or just the right thing to do culturally. Instead of requiring my children to say the “right thing,” I realize I need to slow down and explain the true meaning and depth of forgiveness. The truth is that as I teach my children about forgiveness, I am reminded again and again about true forgiveness myself. We don’t stop getting opportunities to forgive after we reach a certain age. We will always be confronted with sin, ours and others. Our response to that is life-changing. Jesus is the ultimate example of what true forgiveness looks like, and until we fully understand how much we have been forgiven by Him, we truly cannot grasp how to extend forgiveness to others. Forgiveness is hard, requires humility, and it always costs us something.
Forgiveness is hard. Plain and simple. The American Psychological Society defines forgiveness as, “willingly putting aside feelings of resentment towards someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful or otherwise harmed you in some way.” It is essentially the act of pardoning an offender. Are you serious?? Willingly put aside the feelings I have when someone hurts me?? As humans we don’t want to give forgiveness to someone who has hurt us. In fact, our nature suggests that we should somehow seek ways to get revenge. We really think we are making others suffer when we withhold forgiveness, but we are, in fact, hurting ourselves.
Research says that people who don’t forgive live shorter lives and have a lot more stress than those who are quick to forgive. That doesn’t mean that this is an easy task. In fact, in our own strength, it is impossible. In the Bible, the Greek translation for the word “forgiveness” literally means “to let go,” as when a person does not demand repayment for a debt.
Did I mention that forgiveness is hard? Colossians 3:13 says, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Forgive as you have been forgiven. We can forgive because of the forgiveness that has been lavished on us. When we receive the love of Christ for us and grasp the forgiveness that He provides, we are able to extend that forgiveness to others.
I love how Bothell Christian Counseling says it on their website. “Forgiveness looks a lot like reconciliation. It means you become willing to see the trueness of both another’s depravity but also their goodness.” It means spending time in God’s word, in prayer, in community, growing in your faith, and understanding just how deeply you yourself have been forgiven. Forgiveness is a choice, but it is also birthed out of dependence on the One Who gives us the power and ability to act on such a choice.
Forgiveness is hard and painful and feels contrary to our nature, which tells us to even the scores on our own, but it is rewarding and healing because when we forgive, we give to God the circumstances that are out of our control, and we trust His wisdom. The extra cool thing about forgiveness is that it is not only in our enemies’ best interest that we forgive them and thus show them God’s grace, but it is also in our best interest! When we forgive, we experience relief and freedom from pain like never before. God heals us of our wounds by showing us they are His to carry and that we can rest in the knowledge that, “In all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28.
Forgiveness requires humility. Jesus and his journey to the cross displayed great humility. He knew that the cross was before him and chose to humble himself in the process. This is the kind of humility I seek to have as a mama when I am teaching my kids to forgive. I want to display this humility when I am wronged and have trouble with forgiveness. I want to be filled with humility because I will be quicker to forgive my husband. Our families are better when we are humble and ready to forgive. I want to humble myself before the Lord because scripture says when we do that, “He will lift us up” (James 4:10). When we forgive with pride in our hearts, we are not able to fully forgive. I want to conclude this section with a question for you to ponder. Where in my life do I need to practice more humility?
Forgiveness will always cost you something. The more I grow in Christ, the more I realize my need to die to self. As I receive freedom from Christ, I realize that things like forgiveness and growing in the fruit of the Spirit requires something of me. It is a beautiful and painful transformation all at the same time. When I first hear about something costing me something I immediately think of the negative connotations. What am I going to have to give up? This is the beauty of the cross. The opposite is true. The more we give ourselves away, the more we find in Christ; the more we trust Him, the more He has for us. It is not so we can receive more “stuff” . . . it is just so we can have more of Him, and more of Him means less of me. More of Him means becoming more like Him. Let’s be honest, we always need more of Him and less of me.
John 3:30, “He must become greater; I must become less.”
Written by: Taran Nelson. Taran is the Executive Director of Fathom Family Foundation and serves in ministry with her husband, Kyle, and their three children in Jacksonville, FL.
