Elijah, our now 2-year-old son, was named after the Biblical prophet and the way in which God used him to miraculously multiply a supply of flour and oil to sustain a widow and her son from starvation amidst a famine. God used this story of His providence and miraculous provision to increase our faith as He provided and orchestrated Elijah’s adoption into our family. The story was used for us as his parents, but the blessing in naming our son Elijah was not a coincidence; like his namesake he is strong willed, a defender of the weak, and Lord willing he will lead many to Christ through his demonstration of powerful faith.
At this point in my life as a young 30 something, Elijah’s adoption was the hardest faith trial I had ever endured. Our intentions to adopt were met with disapproval by some. We did not have the funds in and of ourselves needed for the adoption. It was a heart-breaking process to hear the plights of biological mothers seeking adoption, be excited about the potential of a match, and subsequently be turned down by them as not the right choice. Through the unknown and the uncontrollable, God spoke his words of approval and encouragement. He provided financially. And he blessed us with our son, our perfect match.
We have an open adoption with Elijah’s birth mother (we will call her Macy). Early on in the process of getting to know her, I realized that God’s purposes were deeper than just placing Elijah in our family – He was also using our family to minister to Macy. Like many women we came across seeking adoption for their babies, Macy was caught in a generational cycle of sin. From a distance, we began showing her what a healthy family looks like and what being a child of God looks like.
One night I received a text message from Macy telling me that she was pregnant again and wasn’t sure what she should do. We were overwhelmed. Elijah wasn’t even 2 years old at this point, and we had no intentions of growing our family again so quickly. We were heartbroken for Macy knowing how difficult placing Elijah for adoption was for her and knowing that she may have to relive that pain again. We were weighed down by the hopelessness of Macy falling so quickly back into this cycle of sin. As the news set in and we began discussing with Macy the potential of adopting again, our excitement grew. We learned she was pregnant with another baby boy due in 5 months. As I prayed for Macy and this baby boy, already connected to us as our baby’s brother, the Lord gave me Isaiah 61:3 to pray in faith over Macy and the baby.
“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.”
Unbeknownst to me, I had given Macy a gift when Elijah was born with the words “beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, and praise for heaviness.” I believed wholeheartedly that this baby boy would fulfill what God had spoken in my heart for Macy back then; he would be the means by which God brought Macy redemption, and in that hope, we planned to name him Isaiah.
The 5 months leading up the baby’s birth were anything but calm. Macy waivered in her commitment to the adoption plan but did not have a realistic plan or stability for raising him either. There wasn’t a day that went by that I was not crying out to the Lord on behalf of this child who had already taken up residence in my heart. I was worried about Macy’s unpredictability and instability, I was worried about the baby’s welfare, and I was worried about my heart.
Because things were so uncertain, we did not tell people about the adoption outside of our family and closest friends so that we had people partnering in prayer with us over the situation.
I am used to the Holy spirit speaking to me through sermons, songs, and my internal prayer dialogue. I am accustomed to receiving prophetic words and prayers from trusted prayer partners that confirm what I feel God doing.
In the past God has always done what I expected Him to do. Through prayer partners I was encouraged that God was using this to grow my trust and that in time I would see that He was working out so much more than what was visible on the surface. Around every twist and turn, God gave me the word TRUST. He made it clear to me that I was not just trusting Him for an outcome (a comfortable spot for me), but He was requiring me to TRUST in Him, His character, His nature. This was unfamiliar territory.
In order for me to trust in God and not an outcome, God chose to keep the outcome unknown to me. One day amongst my pleading prayers, the Holy Spirit asked me “if it means that Macy will be made whole, redeemed, but it cost you this baby, your desired outcome, would you pray for that?” Humbled I answered yes, while I prepared my heart for the breaking. This sentiment was confirmed in my spirit through the story of Jairus and the woman with the issue of blood.
Holly Furtick of Elevation Church preaches a sermon entitled “Waiting for My Miracle” that describes the scene of a desperate Jairus on his way with Jesus to his home where Jesus intended to heal his dying daughter. The mission was interrupted by a woman who was healed after touching the hem of Jesus’ garment. During this delay Jairus’ daughter was pronounced dead. Macy is the woman with the issue of blood. The woman who has struggled for years with the same issue. The woman desperate for a healer. I am Jairus; my miracle delayed by the needs of another. Jesus responded to the report of Jairus’ daughter’s death by telling him, “don’t be afraid, only believe.”
In the midst of my seemingly dead situation, Jesus is telling me, “don’t be afraid, just TRUST.” Jairus asked Jesus for a healing, but he got resurrection. Despite a delay, and worsening of my situation, I have to believe that Jesus plans to give me something even more miraculous than what I have asked for.
Macy resolved to keep her baby but cautioned us that if it wasn’t working out she would be calling on us to adopt him. More waiting and uncertainty. The charge from Jesus to trust and the promise of resurrection was not enough to keep heartbreak, anger, and depression from setting in. I felt as if this situation could have been prevented. If Jesus cared about my heart and my well-being, He should’ve told me that we were not adopting this baby and saved me pain and heartbreak. I could’ve spent the last 5+ months praying for Macy and her success as a parent. If I could’ve set appropriate expectations I would’ve been okay.
Another Elevation Church sermon, “The Lazarus Factor,” preached by Steven Furtick resonated with my spirit and my situation. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were beloved friends of Jesus. Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus that Lazarus was sick and Jesus intentionally did not go to them until after Lazaus had died. Mary, who had famously anointed Jesus’ feet with oil, was now angry with Jesus. She wouldn’t even meet him when he arrived on the scene.
I was angry and couldn’t bring myself to meet with Jesus either. Mary exclaimed to Jesus “Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died” (John 11:32). I yelled at Jesus, “If you had told me the truth instead of deceiving me, I would be ok right now.” Jesus chose not to go to Bethany and heal his friend. He knew this would hurt Mary and Martha. He knew they would be angry and that it would cause doubt. But He did it anyway. He was sovereign over their grief, and He allowed it for their good. God knew what hoping to adopt this baby would do in me and He allowed it anyway. That was a tough pill to swallow. But Jesus didn’t just know about their grief and allow it to happen, he also joined in it. He must be here with me too.
Before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, onlookers questioned, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?” (John 11: 37). It reminds me of Jesus hanging on the cross while some insulted him by saying, “He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him” (Matthew 27:42).
The answer to the questions is yes, He could have. He could have prevented Lazarus from dying. And yes, He could’ve come down from the cross. He could’ve healed Jairus’ daughter with just a word at the moment he asked. He could’ve prevented me from hoping for this child. But He chose not to. In all of these He had a bigger purpose in mind than the immediate need. He taught Jairus and his disciples about his divinity and power to heal. He taught Mary and Martha that He has power even over death. And in sacrificing himself, He brought salvation and hope to the world. In my current suffering He is teaching me that He can be trusted.
When I started writing I wasn’t sure where the ending would land. My situation is just as twisted and dark as it was in the beginning. Macy and the baby are still unstable, and my role in their lives still unclear. My heart still aches for them and for myself. I have yet to see God’s goodness in the outcome. This week I read the wise words of Katie Davis Majors that said, “trust precedes peace.” This is the conclusion that I am moving towards.
This season has been about learning for myself to TRUST God even when he doesn’t do what I expected Him to do. When my situation seems dark, silent, and like death without resurrection, I have to trust. This season wasn’t the result of a mistake, me mishearing God, or him punishing me for all the ways I messed up along the way. He is sovereign in my pain and in this situation.
His “working all things for my good” is not just about the blessing at the end. He allowed suffering for my good in order that I would learn to trust and therefore rest in his perfect peace. And I am brought back to the words of Isaiah, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” I am beginning to think the theme of Isaiah and redemption was just as much about my redemption as Macy’s.
When I think of trust, I think of the faith that Abraham displayed when God told him to sacrifice Isaac, his miracle, on God’s altar. Without ever seeing a life resurrected, Abraham believed that somehow even in death God would provide and make it good. As I read about Abraham collecting the wood and walking up the mountain with his beloved son, my spirit posed the question, “how would you respond to God asking you to give your miracle back to Him?” He has in fact asked me to give the hope of this miracle to Him and to trust Him with it.
And what I am here to tell you is that God can be trusted with what is most precious to us. Our lives, our families, our health, and our well-being. He is good and trustworthy. Just as he provided a ram caught in a bush for Abraham and spared his son, He will make a way if only we TRUST.
Written by: A member of the Fathom Faith Foundation community.
