40% of pastors’ kids, or PKs, have questioned their faith. 

33% are no longer active in the church. 

7% no longer consider themselves Christians.¹

Wow!

Those numbers are heartbreaking to us. First, as followers of Jesus Christ because it’s heartbreaking to think of any large percentage of people within a certain demographic group walking away from faith. Second, because we are pastors who have kids. What are the implications for us as parents raising children in a ministry home?

Now, let’s pause for a moment and gain some perspective. The numbers above came from a small sample size in a study done in 2013. So there is definitely the possibility that the numbers are higher, but there is just as real a possibility that these numbers don’t represent reality for the larger church.

The other very real possibility is that these numbers are reflective of the trends at large. For example, 9% of all millennials raised in the church no longer consider themselves Christians, so maybe it’s not just the PKs but all church kids. Bottom line: these numbers shouldn’t scare you. Nor should the historical horror stories.

On the flip side, we have to recognize that statistics and cliches are prevalent because they reflect some portion of truth. The most prominent reasons PKs in this study indicated their leaning from faith or from the church were:

• unrealistic expectations
• seeing the negatives within the church
• the schedule of their parents
• a lack of faith modeled at home.

It would be easy to take these one by one and try to give a pithy rebuttal to how you can overcome each. However, that’s a reactive mindset. We’re better than that. Let’s play offense and not defense.

1. Be the same person on Monday as you are on Sunday.

Your kids should never have to wonder who the guy on stage on Sundays is, even though he sits at the dinner table with them every other night. Don’t exaggerate. Don’t preach something as a finished work when they see you still working through it. If you preach a Gospel filled with grace, show a little grace at home too. The more your kids see an integrated-faith in your life, the more they will desire an authentic faith for themselves.

2. Don’t let the opinion of others dictate the behavior of your family.

We love the story in the Old Testament where we are reminded that “man looks on the outside, but God looks at the heart.” We are so thankful that God looks at the heart, but the opposite is also true: Man looks on the outside. We judge a book by its cover. Therefore, we know that people within the church will look at our children and place unrealistic and often unfair expectations on them just because of who their parents are. But that doesn’t mean we have to allow those expectations to dictate what we allow or don’t allow our kids to do. It’s our responsibility to make the best decisions for our children that we can. That is true if you get a paycheck from the church or the local grocery store.

Early on we decided that if our kids would be allowed to do something if we weren’t the pastors then they probably would be allowed to do it even though we were the pastors. The specifics aren’t important. We aren’t talking about heaven or hell issues. We’re talking about the preferences and opinions of others.

We have to use wisdom, but we want our kids to know they aren’t performing for anyone. They are pursuing Jesus.

3. Never make ministry the enemy.

There are nights when one of us has had to step away from the dinner table to take an emergency phone call or make a hospital visit. There have been a few baseball or lacrosse games we’ve missed because of church activities. But we are always so careful not to paint ministry or our responsibilities as a negative or as something that detracts from our family.

Ministry is a privilege, and our language has always been that “this is a family calling.” God could have picked anyone, but He picked us. We try to highlight the incredible opportunities our family and each of our children has been given because of the church and the amazing people within it.

One time a family gave us use of their beach condo. Another time people let us use their tickets to the Atlanta Braves game. Still another time a gentleman gave our teenage son an envelope with some gas money in it … just because. In each instance, someone just wanted to bless the pastor’s family. It’s not always monetary. It’s experiences. Our kids have had the opportunity to lead in ministry from an early age. When our oldest son was 5, his birthday was attended by all his best friends … the teenagers in our youth group.

There have been hard times. People we loved left the church. Some people have said some pretty nasty things. Our kids have attended events they didn’t want to be at. But the positives far outweigh the negatives. So, we celebrate the blessings and we publicly and privately thank God for allowing us to serve His Church.

Here’s a closing thought:

In 1981, my (Jeremy) maternal grandfather had the first of two open heart surgeries. As the bed was being rolled out of the pre-op room, he made this statement:

“It’s in moments like these that you take stock of your life. There are things I wish I would have done and things I wish I hadn’t done. But it’s always been my desire, and for the most part I think I’ve accomplished it, to keep my priorities GOD, FAMILY, CHURCH.”

If our lives are lived upon these priorities and in this order, it will serve us and our children well. 

• Is my relationship with God my first priority? Not because I’m the pastor and not because I need something to preach. Am I in a growing relationship with Him? My children are watching, and it is worth modeling authenticity before them.
• Does my family know that they are my first priority on this earth? Would my spouse be able to say that I put them above everyone else? Do my children know that nothing and no one outside of our home is more important than them? 
• Do I give the best of the rest of me to Christ’s bride?

Raising kids in ministry is tough for all the reasons we’ve already mentioned. But if we reframe it, we see that God could have placed these children in any home of parents from different vocations, but He chose you. 

How might God use you to raise these kids for greater purposes and His glory?

————————

Jeremy & Corrie Isaacs are parents to 4 PKs, as they pastor Generations Church in Canton, GA. They have recently written a new book, Your Marriage Matters, available now on Amazon.

¹ https://www.barna.com/research/prodigal-pastor-kids-fact-or-fiction/