Having known you both since you were born, I decided to write to you both as an exercise for me and hopefully to encourage other fathers. At the time I am writing this, Max, you are 5, and Isaac, you are 3. I have a couple of very important things that I really want you to know.
I LOVE YOU
From the moment I heard your little hearts beat and saw you moving on the ultrasound, I have loved you. From the first time I felt you kick, I have loved you. From the first time I saw your slimy little scrunched up faces, I have loved you. Every time you cried and I couldn’t do a thing to make you stop, I loved you. Every time you looked at me and smiled, I loved you. When you first rolled over on your own, I loved you. When you first crawled, I loved you. When you first said, “I love you, Daddy,” I loved you. When you took your first step, I loved you. When you first yelled “NO,” I loved you. Every time you make me mad, sad, or scared, I love you. Every time you want to be around and cling to me, I love you. Every time you push me away, I love you. Every time you want to play, I love you. Every time you pout and whine, I love you. What I’m trying to say is, there is nothing you can do to make me not love you. Since God knit you together in Mommy’s womb (Psa. 139.13), I knew you were mine to love, and it has been a great privilege to share that love with you.
I’M SORRY
It sure sounds like I love you both a lot from the previous section, but I am sorry. All those things I said about loving you in every situation still doesn’t stop my nature. I have little patience for you when you don’t listen to me and especially when you hear me, but choose to ignore what I say. I expect you to follow my instructions the first time, as if you are my employee and not my children. I expect you to do the right thing in every situation, even though I don’t. I expect you to be better than I am, now. I want you to behave like perfect little angels all the time. I don’t want you to make the mistakes that I have made, even though I make another one when I expect this behavior. I feel like absolute compliance now will help you avoid my mistakes when you get older. I can’t avoid this feeling, but I know that if you acted this way, you would never develop into your own unique person. So, I love you so much, and I am so sorry. I hope that you can forgive me when I fall short, and I promise that will I forgive you always.
GOD IS BETTER
The best part about being a follower of Christ is His love for us. We know He loves us because He made us in His own image (Gen. 1.27). Why would the creator of the universe make us in His image if He did not create us to love us? He tells us this in the book of John, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, and whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life”(John 3:16). He sent His Son to die for me, and you, and the world. That’s how much He loves us. So, when I say that I love you, I can’t possibly love you as much as He does. When I say I forgive you, I couldn’t possibly forgive you as much as He does. God doesn’t want little perfect angels. He knows we are broken, and He gives us grace for that.
I hope you understand how I love you, and why I’m sorry. I don’t deserve any of your love or forgiveness, but I want it. I know that I don’t deserve any of God’s love or forgiveness, but He wants me, and He wants you.
I love you boys,
Dad
Written by: Josh Baxley.
