As they rolled me down the hallway of the hospital, with a balloon attached to the handle, I’ve never felt so empty, so drained, so broken. Tears chased their way down my cheeks, when all of a sudden, I heard a voice behind me say, “Congratulations!”
My tears went from sorrow to anger as my thoughts began to lash out, “How dare you tell me ‘congratulations!’ You have no idea the insult! The trauma! The torture I just went through. And you have the nerve to tell me, ‘congratulations’?!” I wanted to grab the balloon and pop it right in front of them and turn back around to protest. I didn’t want to leave my first child, the one I had so diligently prayed for, waited for, pleaded for, labored 10 plus hours for, and yet, I had no choice. My firstborn son, Hatcher James Rhodes, had quietly passed in utero and I had to hand him back to the doctors. Nothing can describe the heartbreak.
Yet I had to learn quickly that how I responded to my emotions would shape the entirety of my life, my marriage, and my faith. While I did not have a choice in my circumstance, I did have a choice as to how I would respond to the travesty. When I got in the car, I began to cry again, leaving my son and then getting angry at people I didn’t even know because they unknowingly insulted me, even though I was the one flying a brightly colored balloon with words written “It’s a Boy!” They just assumed we had already placed him safely in the vehicle as I entered.
When I arrived home, I remember pleading with the Lord, “Please help me!” Help me not to be shaped by anger, sorrow, bitterness. But how? How is that even possible? I was so angry, beyond heartbroken, and I was clinging onto any bit of hope I could find.
“Lord, let my eyes see you.”
Slowly but surely, I began to see glimpses of Him through the hearts of His people. Little miracles, little whispers of, “I trust you with this because I know you will be faithful in fulfilling my purposes through it.”
I began to see how tragedy will indeed shape you, but not without you controlling the trajectory. We get to choose how we respond to every emotion. Not have to – but get to. Because of the redeeming hope of our Lord and Savior, He has given us the tools, the power, to choose to live beyond our fleshly understanding of this life and believe that He is walking with us through every season.
As Christmas was approaching, I remember sitting on my couch and glancing at Hatcher’s stocking hanging empty on the fireplace. “Why did I buy a stocking? I can’t believe I will never get to fill it and see the sweet smiles that follow on Christmas morning. Now I have to look at it and be reminded that it will forever stay empty and year after year it will remind me of the heartbreak.” Or, could I still fill it and remind others going through heartbreak of the hope that was offered to me in my season? I get to choose, and this was a much more enticing option, as my love language has and always will be gift giving.
That first year, just a few short weeks after saying goodbye and surrendering to the dreams of holding my newborn baby boy, we prayed about who would receive Hatcher’s Stocking. And from that moment on God has carried us to a place only He could. The stories of the lives, the families, the communities we have been able to love on through the loss of our firstborn, could only be driven by the miraculous works of our Heavenly Father, who indeed works all things together for good, to those who are called by Him.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
Written by: Britney Rhodes.
