Fall has always been an exciting time of year for me because, as a Floridian, it is a break from the constant heat of summer. It’s also a signal that we are entering the holiday season, which welcomes family traditions and memories. This year I am looking forward to fall because of a new memory, the one-year anniversary of us adopting our two wonderful children. My view of adoption comes from two different lenses, one as a parent and one as a social worker. While I have a lot of thoughts on the subject, the one word that always stands out the most to me is acceptance.
Romans 15:7 says “Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.”
Before we had our own children, I worked as a social worker with children in foster care. I worked in a program that was dedicated to reducing placement disruptions with children in foster homes, in hopes of reducing the number of homes they lived in. These children were often displaying difficult behaviors at home or at school and the caregivers were considering ending the placement. Research shows us that multiple placement changes for a child can impact developmental outcomes, attachment, externalizing behavior problems, internalizing behavior problems, and poorer academic performance. We wanted to reduce placement changes by giving caregivers the resources they needed to support a child in their home. Daycare referrals, afterschool programs, psychiatric services, wraparound therapy, transportation, or behavior charts – I tried to do it all. It was my job to have a solution to anything. One thing I learned quickly is that the root of many of the child’s behavioral problems was the knowledge that this was another temporary home. There was no referral for that.
God accepts us and loves us as we are. I live in the peace of that knowledge. It is because I know the peace and security of God’s love for me that I can share that love with a child. God has provided me with a safe home so I can open up that home to a child. Our ability to accept someone at their worst is possible because Christ loves me at my worst. That acceptance is transformational.
Parenting a child who has experienced trauma is exhausting in a way I cannot describe. You are constantly vigilant; some parents describe it as walking on eggshells. You are trying to identify triggers, helping children verbalize their feelings, navigating different attachment styles and needs. There is not an easy solution for hard behaviors. Sometimes our behaviors protect us from a life of abuse; sometimes they make us feel safe in a world that is unsafe; sometimes they help us feel in control. When I experience challenging behaviors from my own children, I have to remind myself of two things.
- There is a root to this behavior
- This is an invitation to accept my child the way God accepts me
Parents who have curiosity about the root or cause of a behavior are able to find their empathy and love for that child faster.
Philippians 1: 9-10 says, 9 “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.”
The root is usually not obvious, sometimes we never figure it out, and oftentimes, the child cannot even begin to tell you. It always helps to get professional advice from a behavioral therapist or family therapist to help with perspectives into a problem. There are lots of training and resources that can also help that are available to parents who love children who have experienced trauma. Pray to God for insight into difficult behaviors so that you can move from places of judgment and sustain empathy for your child.
You might not be able to figure out the cause of a child’s behavior. Every frustrating, exhausting, and devastating behavior is an invitation to accept that child anyway. Sometimes children’s behaviors are a question. Will you still love me if I do this? Is this home still safe if I hurt this person? If I break this thing you love, will you send me somewhere else? If I embarrass you in public, will you still call me yours? Oftentimes, children who have experienced trauma have had those questions answered no, you are too much. That is unforgivable. And they believe it. It can take years to prove them wrong.
Another thing that happens when you are parenting a child who has experienced trauma or a child with special needs is that you can feel incredibly isolated. You blame yourself when things blow up, and you think others do too. It is difficult to convince yourself that reaching out to others who have a shared experience is worth it, but no one can parent without community, especially the parent of a child who has experienced trauma. Find a local support group in your area or reach out to the lead child welfare agency in your area to get more resources. Even one friend you can text can make a difference for both you and them.
Please know that at the end of a day where you feel like there is nothing you can do to make things better, you have already done a rare and powerful thing: loving your child and accepting them just as they are. When you are exhausted, try to be curious, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4204626
Written by: Abbey Stagliano. Abbey is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker from Jacksonville, FL. She has provided clinical services to children and their families up and down the East Coast of Florida. Most of her work has focused on child abuse prevention, children in foster care, and school based counseling. She is currently a stay at home mom for her two children, who were adopted in 2024.
