Recently, I found myself standing in front of a group of eager faces in our children’s church, ready to teach a lesson that tugged at my heartstrings. The series we were exploring was about purpose, and this particular lesson was titled, “What I’ve Been Through.”

To illustrate the lesson, I brought out a blank jigsaw puzzle, explaining that it represented our lives. Each piece was to be colored with the shades of our stories, both the good and the bad. As the children began to color, I was heartened to see them struggle to identify “bad” things in their lives. For this project, I encouraged them to focus on the good.

The Bible story we discussed was about Joseph, a figure who endured many trials but also experienced incredible blessings and success. His story mirrors the ups and downs we all face in life.

However, the video lesson also touched on a sensitive topic: divorce. One of the characters’ parents was going through it, and it made me catch my breath. Tears welled up as I remembered my own experiences with divorce—both my parents’ and my own.

I felt a wave of nervousness as we moved into our group discussion. Many of the children didn’t know what divorce was, and I had to explain it to them. I shared that my parents had divorced and that I had been through a divorce as well. For a brief moment, shame flushed my face, but then I remembered the verse of the day, Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” As I stood there with the children, I realized that sharing my story, though painful, was a way to connect with them and show them that even in the hardest times, there is hope and purpose.

Explaining divorce to a child is never easy. The idea that their parents might not want to be together is confusing and painful. I will never forget the look on my daughter’s face when my ex-husband and I broke the news to our two children. She cried out in anguish, a sound that shattered my heart. My son sat quietly for a long time, processing the news in his own way. They were just 9 and 11 years old.

Reflecting on my own childhood, I don’t remember my parents ever sitting us down to tell us they were getting a divorce. It felt more like we just watched our lives change before our eyes. I was around 6 or 7 when we moved from Corpus Christi to Jacksonville, and the transition was a blur of confusion and adjustment.

My dad’s dishonorable discharge from the Navy marked the beginning of a tumultuous chapter in our lives. We moved to Jacksonville to stay with my uncle, and I remember feeling a mix of confusion and upset about the sudden change. Soon, we had our own home, but with it came the constant fighting—or at least it felt that way to me. My older sisters were grappling with their own issues, while my little sister and I watched our world crumble around us.

When my parents finally separated, things seemed to improve. My dad moved just down the street to stay close to us, and I would walk over to his house after school. But the real shift came when my mom remarried. My dad, feeling perhaps that we no longer needed him, moved away. My stepdad tried to step into the father role, but it was a challenge for all of us. I resented him telling me what to do and was frustrated that my mom allowed it. I missed my dad deeply.

Over time, however, I grew to love and respect my stepdad. He worked tirelessly for our family and was present for all the moments my dad missed. Despite the many challenges of blending our family—my mom’s four daughters from previous marriages, the two younger daughters she had with my stepdad, tight finances, and frequent moves—we made an effort to make it work. My little sister even ran away at 16, adding to the chaos.

Looking back, I realize that while we didn’t always blend seamlessly, there was a genuine effort to come together as a family. Through all the ups and downs, my stepdad never gave up on us. He followed God and made Him the center of our home and lives, which made all the difference. My stepdad is the reason I have a relationship with God and attend church today, and for that, I am incredibly grateful.

It’s been nearly five years since my divorce, and in 2022, I remarried my current husband. My children, now teenagers, and I have been navigating this new chapter for almost two years. However, blending our families has proven to be more challenging than I anticipated. My children have accepted that my husband is my husband, but they don’t refer to him as their “stepdad.” My husband didn’t bring children to our marriage, so I had hoped my children would instantly like and accept him. This was my naivete. I thought we could carry on traditions like before or become a “family” again. But sadly, that’s not how it works. We have to let go of what was to embrace what is. This is a new chapter for all of us, and we have to learn to grow and change within it. It is hard.

Imagine making a smoothie. You have all the ingredients you want, but the peanut butter stubbornly sticks to the side of the blender, the ice remains chunky, or the mixture turns out too soupy because of too much milk. Despite having all the right components, the balance is off. This is what blending a stepfamily often feels like. Sometimes, the kids get along with the new addition before the marriage, but once the vows are exchanged, reality sets in, and their perspectives shift. I experienced this firsthand with my stepdad. He was the cool guy until he married my mom.

So, how do we find the right balance of ingredients to blend well? According to Ron Deal, author of The Smart Stepfamily, most stepfamilies take three to seven years to start blending well, and some never do. He also describes the evolution of the stepfamily as a journey of steps to the Promised Land. In an effort to reach that beautiful, blended beverage—or Promised Land—we need to have hope. We need to believe it can be done. According to Matthew 17:20, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Blending the family is a mountain worth moving, and we need to have faith and hope to see it through.

How to Remain Hopeful:

• Prayer (Mark 11:24, NIV): “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”
  
  Don’t stop praying for your family. Continue to ask the Lord to give you and your spouse wisdom and guidance on how to handle situations, conflicts, traditions, big decisions, and finances.
  
  
• Patience (Ephesians 4:2-4, NIV): “Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future.”
  
  Patience means enjoying your blended family in the present as it is, allowing everyone to move forward at their own pace.
  
  
• Perseverance (Romans 5:3-5, NIV): “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
  
  There will be many times you want to quit because it’s hard. I know this from experience. I often want to throw in the towel because it’s just too difficult and painful at times to make everyone get along. But perseverance reminds me of the goal and the hope that lies ahead.
  

I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know how long it will take for my family—or your family—to find balance together. But I do know we need to stay hopeful. We need to be in constant prayer, to be patient, and to persevere. Whatever you do, don’t give up.

Written by: Dr. Laura Riggleman. Laura lives in Jacksonville, FL with her husband, Justin. She is the Anchored Kids Director and Executive Assistant at Fathom Family Church, and she and her husband also lead the church’s Next Gen ministry.