Forgiving someone is hard because you worry they might hurt you again if you let them off the hook. No single answer makes forgiving someone any easier, but could laughter or good humor be a key in a set of keys to help open your heart toward reconciliation?
“Humor is the antidote to all ills.” -Patch Adams.
I struggle with forgiving people and have lost out on relationships and important life lessons because I chose avoidance. After three decades of getting it wrong, I decided to understand how to forgive and reeducate myself using the Bible as my foundation. I also found that good humor often helped soften the edges of this hard pill to swallow.
Some offenses may require the help of professionals and counselors to help you through the pain and injustice. Other deeds are so heinous that years of therapy are needed to cope with the trauma. The capacity to cover all aspects of forgiveness is too large. Instead, this blog will focus on forgiving minor mistakes and misdeeds to understand the basics of forgiveness.
The Foundation for Forgiveness
Colossians 3:13 says, “Be tolerant with each other and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”
I’ve turned to God and prayed a lot, asking Him to take away the anger in my heart toward the people who hurt me. Why can’t He just make them better?
I’ve only recently accepted that God loves me unconditionally and has never stopped showering me with love. I began healing when I opened myself up and stepped out of the hole I buried myself in. He forgives me because He loves me. And if I love the people who hurt me, I should be able to forgive them, too.
If forgiveness means letting go of anger and just loving, why is it hard?
Forgiving others means I must first humble myself before God and accept His forgiveness over me. I had to swallow my pride and release from my grip the chains of guilt. For most of my life, I hid from God because I felt I didn’t deserve what He had to offer. Pride became the gatekeeper of my heart and I felt ashamed for not rising above petty conflicts.
When I started accepting God’s love, I started accepting myself, and it became easier to love others. Sometimes, miracles happen, and the person who hurt you changes quickly. But usually, forgiveness and reconciliation take time and effort.
If I always gave into my children’s wants and wishes, how likely would they appreciate the gifts I give them? They would forget about the gift easily and quickly toss it to the side. When I give a meaningful gift, years of nurturing love and trust are attached. As a result, the gift becomes valuable as it brings with it profound joy and delight.
I found that sharing joy is the quickest way to break down walls. And for me, it is often attached to warm smiles and laughter. Laughter has a way of lowering your guard, and humor can help make forgiveness feel less heavy.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” -Proverbs 17:22
Who better can we learn good cheer and laughter than from a child? Adults laugh on average 15 times a day, while children can laugh 400 times daily! God gave us the gift of laughter because it does so much physiological good in our bodies and lessens pain. (Heggie)
Become Like a Child
We should easily forgive the people we already love. Loving people we despise is a topic for another blog! So, let’s start with people who already loved us the moment we were born.
Love is what we seek because it is a necessity for life. And trust is what we develop over time with the people we love. What if the people we love hurt us? If wrongdoing breaks trust, does that mean love can be lost?
The fear of losing love can break us, but God teaches us that true love can never be lost. And if we humble ourselves and become like little children, we can achieve great things, such as forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it. God lightens our load by carrying the responsibility of judgment for Himself.
“And He said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.” -Matthew 18:3-5 NIV
Babies are born to instinctively trust their mothers because they cannot physically care for themselves. We all grow up dependent on others to fulfill our needs. And when we trust those who care for us, we are rewarded.
When trust is broken, we lose our ability to depend on someone and become lost ourselves. Trust can be broken because of misunderstanding, neglect, negligence, or failure to act. And naturally, we all fall to sin, so the chances of breaking trust are high.
As much as it is natural to sin, it is natural for us to love and trust, but we become afraid of being victimized twice. And we begin to see the world with a lens of doubt. No one wants to be hurt again and will seek behavior and tools to avoid pain.
Forgive and Forget
Forgiving someone who has hurt you can be hard. Instead of facing or dealing with the problem, you might ignore and avoid them. You might even hold onto your anger and lash out when you see them.
In other words, instead of facing and reconciling with someone who has hurt you, you look the other way and bury feelings associated with the violation or retaliate with violence.
Sin is constant, and you will wrong people, and people will wrong you. Staying angry only makes things worse. It can make you feel embarrassed and bad about yourself and cause you to do things you’ll regret later.
Some people say to forget about the past and move on, quoting and weaponizing Bible verses like, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” But they forget the next part, which says, “See, I am doing a new thing!”
Forgiveness isn’t just about forgetting what happened. It’s about actively choosing not to be angry or resentful anymore so you can move forward and build better relationships.
When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you’re letting them get away with what they did. It’s really about giving yourself a chance to become a better person.
Forgiveness is about giving yourself a chance to heal and grow.
When we forgive, it’s like showing others a better way to live and giving them a chance to learn from their mistakes. When we forgive, we provide an opportunity for growth for ourselves and the person who wronged us. As Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.”
Prayer can help us forgive. Asking God for strength and wisdom can help us reconcile with those who have hurt us. Forgiveness is an act of love, and it’s important for our own healing and connection with God and our offender. We ask God to forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Forgiveness is more than letting go and forgetting a wrong that was done to you. Forgetting is a passive act as you are not doing anything. Forgiveness requires intentionality. You actively stop the feeling of anger or resentment toward someone so you don’t become consumed with anger and prevent nurturing a potential relationship.
You need people for relationship building because God commands us to love each other.
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” John 15:12
Forgiveness Is a Healing Journey
Forgiveness can be a long, winding road with rough terrain and dead ends. And you worry that if you forgive someone, you’re permitting them to hurt you again.
But it’s important for moving forward in our relationships with others and God. Jesus teaches us to make things right with others before we try to connect with God. This means we should talk and find commonalities and solutions together.
Practical steps for forgiving others include talking openly, being humble and understanding, and asking for and giving forgiveness. Praying and following what the Bible teaches are also important.
Prayer can be a powerful tool in the process of forgiveness. Asking God for wisdom and strength can help us reconcile with those who have hurt us. Biblical teachings remind us that forgiveness is an act of unselfish love, as it keeps no record of wrongs.
“It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” -1 Corinthians 13:5
Trust in God’s guidance as you seek reconciliation and healing in your relationship. Use the following steps to help you along your journey toward forgiveness:
- Pray for Help: Before talking to someone about forgiveness, take a moment to pray. Ask for wisdom to know the right words to say and the right time to say them. Pray for understanding and empathy towards the other person’s feelings.
- Talk Openly: Talk calmly and honestly with the person who hurt you. Share how their actions affected you, and listen to their perspective.
- Be Humble: Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, including yourself. Be willing to let go of any pride or superiority, and approach the situation with humility.
- Show Empathy: Understand the other person’s feelings and motivations. Putting yourself in their shoes can help you see things from their perspective and foster empathy.
- Seek Forgiveness: If you’ve also done something wrong, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Acknowledging your own mistakes can pave the way for reconciliation and mutual forgiveness.
- Grant Forgiveness: Choose to let go of any feelings of anger or resentment towards the person who hurt you. Pray for them and ask for God’s help in forgiving them completely.
- Find Joy and Laughter: Once you’ve forgiven someone, focus on rebuilding your relationship by finding joy and laughter together. Share moments of happiness, enjoy each other’s company, and create new memories that strengthen your bond.
Laughter can help lighten the mood and foster a sense of connection, making it easier to move forward positively. Using joy and laughter, you can build a relationship based on mutual happiness and understanding.
Timing is everything, so ask for wisdom to know when it’s right. Pray for understanding the other person’s feelings and respectfully using humor to lighten the load of forgiveness. Trust God to guide you as you try to make things right with each other.
Letting Go and Moving Forward
To have good relationships with God and others, we need to heal and make things right first. Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:23-24 that we should fix things with others before we try to bring an offering or sacrifice to God.
“If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” -Matthew 5:23–24, NKJV
If reconciliation doesn’t happen during the first conversation, do not give up! Continue to pray and follow what the Bible teaches. In Matthew 18:21-22, Jesus says we should forgive others not just a few times, but many times over.
“Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus says, “but seventy times seven!” -Matthew 18:21-22
Forgiveness doesn’t mean what someone did is okay. It means we’re releasing our anger and resentment to escape the pain. With God’s help, we can choose forgiveness and move forward with kindness. By doing this, we can make our relationships better and allow ourselves to heal.
“Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, ‘The Lord has done great things for them.’” – Psalm 125:2 ESV
So, embrace forgiveness as a way toward your own healing and redemption. Then you’ll find fulfilling God’s commandment to love others joyful and rewarding.
Written by: Charlotte Singletary. Charlotte lives in Jacksonville, FL with her husband and three kids.
